Size Doesn’t Matter

Thu, Aug 5, 2010


I’m a small, skinny guy. I’m so skinny, when I turn sideways and stick out my tongue, I look like a zipper. The only reason I’ve survived this long can only be due to my Over-sized Napoleonic Complex. Not that I mind being this size.  And I never really feel small except when I’m shaking hands with my best friend, Belly. You don’t have to be big in size to make it big. Look at Gary Coleman. Or Tom Cruise.

But one of the things that really pisses me off is when I go to my local Country-Kitchen Down-Home Cooking Restaurant (or practically any restaurant), no matter what I order, they pile my plate high trying to fatten me up. Please. Where am I going to put it all? After eating approximately an eighth of the meal, I try to disguise what’s left by hiding it beneath my napkin and I signal the server (who used to be called a waitress) for my check. Invariably she always has to ask if there was something wrong with the food; trying to lay a guilt trip on me. Why hell yeah there’s something wrong with the food! You gave me enough to feed a horse!  Do me a favor and just give me half the size of a regular portion at half the price (which is fair) and I’ll leave your establishment well-stuffed and with a fat tip left beside my empty plate. – submitted by: Chico MacGersky  – Big Foot, Texas

8 Responses to “Size Doesn’t Matter”

  1. BiscuitMan says:

    Don’t worry about your leftovers going to waste – they’ll be recycled to the next sucker who walks through the door.

  2. Okiewise says:

    Chico! Look around you. Sixty percent of your fellow hairless apes are obese. They demand to be gorged. Anyone, server or waitress, who brings out a small serving for one of these beached whales, will likely be lambasted with wrathful words and splattered with putified saliva. So keep a low profile when you reject being slopped like a hog. Just be happy that one of the behemoths doesn’t rip out your skinny toungue and send it to the kitchen to be deep fried. Now go to the beach and kick sand on some fat guy.

  3. DeadEyeBill says:

    What are you complaining about? I wish we had a restaurant like that around here. The only two good ones we had in the whole town got shut down by the health inspector.

    • County Health Inspector says:

      I had a good reason to shut them down. Be thankful I did. I still ain’t quite right. Ask my wife.

      • DeadEyeBill says:

        Just because you can’t hold down a good helping of collard greens means everyone else has to pay. What a wuss!

  4. DixieDoodle says:

    You should try some of Wendy’s Chili. No matter how much they give you, it’s never enough. Fatten you right up, Chico.

  5. Belly says:

    HEY! I am the fat guy who you just kicked sand in the face of! Watch your back Beach BULLY!

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Good Read

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Complaint Department

Take A Number

  • of all the nerve!I'm upset with my neighbor who is still mad at me for chasing away his yapping dog. I had the flu and a headache and I couldn't take it any more.
  • of all the nerve!I think my neighbor's teenage son has a lot of nerve for sneaking my teenage daughter into his bedroom in the middle of the night.
  • of all the nerve!I'm waiting for the person who keeps stealing my Sunday Morning paper - in the bushes with a shotgun...
  • of all the nerve!It burns me up that iced tea in Northern restaurants is never sweetened. We shouldn't offer Yankees unsweetened tea in our Southern restaurants.
  • of all the nerve!I can't stand those two American Picker guys that come on the Discovery Channel after Pawn Stars. They should run two episodes of Pawn Stars in a row and get rid of those two losers.
  • of all the nerve!Why do we celebrate Independence Day when we are so dependent on our government?
  • of all the nerve!Many thanks to the businesses who leave their neon "open" sign on when they're closed. I always feel like such an idiot when I walk into their locked doors.
  • of all the nerve!Q: Do you know what really burns my tail? A: A flame about three feet high.







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